Woman -- I Can Hardly Express, My Deep Revulsion at Your Un-Cleanness

Oh, you dirty, dirty, sinful women.

Specifically, you dirty, sinful pregnant women.

Chapter 12 of Leviticus digs in on the Uncleanness of Childbirth.  Listen up, you mothers of sons -- you're unclean for seven days after delivering your little bundle of joy (with "the same uncleanness as at your menstrual period," natch.) 

But don't think life's all peaches and cream after a week, you naughty thing you -- you're going to have to go another 33 days before you can touch anything sacred, or enter the sanctuary.  (It is this 33-day period that is the inspiration for the mysterious "33" on the back of the Rolling Rock bottle -- since Rolling Rock is, in fact, sacred, that "33" was placed on the bottle as a warning to any unclean mommy who has a hankerin' for something from the glass-lined tanks of Old Latrobe.)

But, you ask, what about women who give birth to girls?

Good question.  You, mrs. girly-mom, are DOUBLY unclean.  14 days of uncleanness, and 66 days in the penalty box before you're purified enough to join the rest of us in regular society.

Chapter 12 also reminds us of the importance of snipping off that unsightly foreskin on your male children.

Which begs the question -- if God didn't want us to have that bugger on the end of our wangs, why did He put it there in the first place?

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I had intended to do Chapters 13 - 14 tonight, as well -- but, well, you know....STEELERS!  WHOOOOO!

Comments

[Job]

Cut him some slack, it was a really hectic first six days of creation there. You can't expect Jehovah to have gotten every last detail right, forming a more perfect wang and all. And what kind of a Supreme Lord would he be if he spent all of his quality creative time sprucing up your privates? He had bigger fish to fry. Like...making fish. And perfecting frying techniques.

Oops. I said Jehovah.

Go Stillers.

[Jonathan Barnes]

I'm really liking your Leviticus series.
Thanks for making me laugh.

[yellojkt]

I think the 33 days is just a trick to keep daddy from getting too friendly once things are back in action.

[sherry]

this is just wonderful!
i had no idea i should be ringing a bell and chanting, "unclean, unclean!" thank you kind sir.

god, i'm still laughing!